My second post in this fantastic blog circle ‘Letters to our Sons’. This week it’s my biggest boy, I’m lucky to have these images, he’s known to be a little camera shy.
It’s not easy knowing how to start or where to begin. It’s been such a long time since i’ve written to you and that makes me sad. I know you don’t want me to write a lot of soppy words, or embarrass you, and I hope that I won’t. I can’t make any promises, mind you – because you know what a sentimental and emotional person I am. Last month I watched you drive off, on your way to Uni and it was so much harder then I’d thought it would be. We’ve had months in our lives go by before when we’ve been apart, like boarding school, when you’ve gone and stayed at your Dads etc, so I just wasn’t prepared for the way that it made me feel when you left. You didn’t see me, as you drove away, but I literally had to gulp back the tears. I guess, I just felt as though this was the beginning of the rest of your life, and the end of your childhood. You’re twenty and you have everything ahead of you. It’s going to be a ride, I’m sure of it.
Do you remember, when you were little? It was you and me, together at all times. You wouldn’t leave my side, you crawled aged 6 months because you could’t bear to be any distance from me. Desperate to reach my legs so that I’d pull you up and hold you tight, only ever wanting to be held by me. Tiny little determined boy with blond hair and big green eyes. Just going anywhere took forever because everyone wanted to stop me and tell me what a gorgeous child you were – people we knew, and strangers who we’d never met before. Time went on, situations and circumstances changed, and you struggled a little. I tried to catch you, tried to hold you up as best I could but I know life felt tough sometimes. Learning to cope with things that are not always simple has been a hard lesson for you, and hard for me to watch you try to find your way. Terribly hard, because all I ever wanted from the time you were born was to see you happy. There’s such a fine line between running towards you to catch you and willing you to steady yourself before you fall.
If I had one wish for you, it would be to be able to take your worries away, just as I did when you were small. I don’t have the ability to do that anymore, but I know you’ll be ok. You are so much stronger then you think.
You surprised us with a visit last weekend and when you walked into the house, I had such a strong overwhelming feeling of being complete again. I know that you have another part of your life to live now but knowing that you still want to come home, makes it easier to think about. Watching your sisters jump into your arms, feeding you the food that you love, and taking lessons from you in fire-lighting, (yours are still so much better then mine), made my heart feel warm and cozy. So there we go, a big fail on the ‘no soppy words’, just as I suspected – this Mama doesn’t feel a bit ashamed though because I do and always will love you, however old you may be. And when I look at your twenty year old face, I remember a time when I wasn’t much older then you are now, and I remember your little boy arms around my neck, clinging onto me as though your life depended on it. That is something that I will carry with me, forever.
I’m thankful for you every day, no matter how nearby or far away you are. I’m also very proud of you….. just so you know.
Please continue to click through this circle of amazing women, also posting Letters to their own Sons, starting with the sweet soulful work of Elle Walker.