I can’t believe I’m already at my Fourth Letters to our Daughters post. It’s always such a huge thing for me to come here and pour my heart out about the most precious people in my life. I’m still so honored to be a part of this circle of woman and read the inspirational things that they write about their own loves.
My Darling Gabsie,
I’ve been holding onto these images of you, my sweet girl, waiting for just the right time to use them. That time is now.
Writing this, about you, my darling, is harder then you’d imagine. I can barely get the words out as I type them through tears. It’s impossible you see, for me to see or think of my life without you, and I’m thankful that I don’t have to. Our life together (just your brother, your sister and I), started out in one of the most stressful ways. My Marriage had ended, I was alone and I felt completely isolated from the world. A young single Mother, already bringing up two little ones, one of which was special needs – life was a constant flurry of physical and financial challenges. I remember throughout my pregnancy there were times when I felt as though I cried for days, weeks, months. I wasn’t myself and the light at the end of the tunnel seemed dim. Worrying that this would translate over to my unborn baby, I would place my hand on my bump and will my baby to know how much she was loved, thought about and how much she was wanted. That no matter what chaos was going on around me, I knew that this child was meant to be. I’ve never felt anything so definite and powerful in all my life, and that knowledge pulled me through those dark days. The connection between us, even before you were born, was one of the strongest i’ve ever experienced.
Even the day that you arrived was difficult. I was laboring alone, I gave birth alone and I was unwell. I remember you being handed to me, I was barely conscious and very weak but I fell so completely in love with you from the moment I saw you. Like a newborn kitten, this tiny little girl with the most beautiful feline eyes and rosebud mouth. Because you were born slightly blue and cold, they wanted to take you away from me and put you in a warming incubator, but I begged them to allow me to hold you against my skin, I just couldn’t bear to let you go. I looked at your little face and whispered, ‘its just you and me sweet Baby, I hope that i’ll be enough for you’. Every day since then I’ve wondered whether I measure up, I guess in many ways, I still do.
You were the sweetest little girl i’ve ever met. Always a smile, always happy and sunny, there was no room in my life for sadness with you around. A bright little light that shone on everyone and everything around you, it almost stunned me at times. You were small and dainty but not at all afraid to get dirty - your curly hair always unkempt after a few minutes no matter what I did, your knees scuffed up and your nose snotty. So beautifully scruffy, like a little elfin child who’d spend the day rolling in the grass, singing at the top of your voice, playing as hard as you could. To say that you embraced your childhood and life in general was an understatement. You were effervescent. You always made me feel as though I were the best Mother in the world, and I wanted more then anything to live up to your expectations. I wish I could take away the hard times my sweet girl, I wish I could have made your life even easier, even happier, even sunnier, as you did mine. Circumstances made things tough from time to time, and I know that you struggled, I hope you know that i’ve always been right beside you, every step of the way.
Now you are all grown up, (well almost), and you’re everything that I knew you would be. You’re so much more like me then you realise and I’m afriad that’s both a good and a bad thing. It’s not easy being so incredibly sensitive and intuative. Feeling every vibration from the people around you. You are a conducter of feelings and emotions, and you take on the hurt and pain that is arround you as well as the love and happiness. I used to think that it was a bit of a blessing and a curse combined, but ultimately it’s all part of what defines who you are, and I wouldn’t change one tiny thing about you. I hope that one day, you feel the same way, that you realise how truly special you are.
You think that I expect you to be perfect, but I don’t. I never wanted perfect, and you’re so much more then that. You’re real, you’re vibrant and emotional, you’re stubborn and loyal, you’re unforgiving and loving. You’re a contradiction in many ways but you still light up my world. I never wanted a perfect Daughter, I just wanted a happy one. I wanted to be enough for you and I wanted you to know that I did the best that I could. That I’ll keep doing the best that I can and that whatever you do, whoever you are, I will love you to the end of my days and beyond. For so many wonderful reasons, my Angel, you’re still my little miracle baby,
Holding you in my heart forever,
Please continue through this blog circle to read more Letters to Our Daughters from some of the most amazing women I know. Starting with the gorgeous and soulful work of Sarah Cornish of My Four Hens Photography, she’s completely wonderful and I know that you will enjoy her post.